Filed under: burger meat
today it dumped sweet-smelling rain on the foothills of santa fe.
i stayed inside.
i also heard that George Carlin died.
Chuck Norris is a manly man. This has been established. He is the human example of ‘rugged’ in Honda commercials, he is ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’, he fought Jet Li, he can solve any problem with violence using a single roundhouse kick, he gave Jesus the gift of ‘beard’, and he is more popular than boobs.
Chuck Norris is more popular than boobs… at least on January of 2006. This is something not even ‘Beer’ was capable of on a regular basis.
This can be verified with a quick peek at these Google trends.
The original trend can be found here.
How can we explain this? How does a bearded man who is the source of some of the finest facts in the world (Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Etc.) come out of the dark for one month and dominate the internet’s curiosity over boobs. Ask Al Gore: the internet was in fact created to increase the popularity of the already well-liked ‘boob’. A very convenient truth.
Some further Wikipedia research informs me that in January, 2006, The Phantom of the Opera surpassed Cats as the longest running Broadway Musical. And I do not give a shit.
Left with no concise insight as to why these events have taken place, I will simply leave you with a handful of Chuck Norris ‘Facts’:
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
I am easily amused.
This is something I don’t believe I’ve ever tried to hide.
Things that are random amuse me. Comics amuse me. Hobos amuse me.
I am not, however, amused by people that wander around public areas yammering loudly into their Bluetooth headsets.
The following includes all of these things:
Boredom, I find, is like cold air. It is not that you are exclusively entertained or merely bored – oh no… there is boredom and there is the absence of boredom. Boredom will creep in anywhere you let it, which is to say anywhere that is not actively promoting a super-sweet good time. One need not tunnel too far into the thermodynamics of this process to gain some sense of understanding.
If you are headbutting your buddies while listening to butt rock and shotgunning beers, you keep boredom at bay like a 45000btu blast furnace.
If you eat a delicious cheeseburger while receiving a deep tissue massage, you have tossed boredom’s daft touch into a stream of molten lava.
If you watch Shia LaBeouf in the midst of a sword fight on two moving vehicles with a Russian super nationalist while CGI prairie dogs and howler monkeys come to the rescue, you are most likely already dead in the clutches of boredom’s fearsome grip, fueled by the shit-stained cellulose left flapping in the wind by George Lucas’ most recent and failed attempt at making Indiana Jones not suck at life.
And, apparently, beating up the men, women, and structures in your cubicle-farm also works:
If you are curious about the sounds of this event, a quick search on youtube will also reveal a second video taken from a different angle on someone’s cellphone.
And fear not: he gets tazed.
Trying too hard…
Sometimes it’s really best not to try your hardest. This violates many of the philosophies handed down to us in our youth by various mentors, from parents and teachers to coaches and geriatrics. You are always supposed to try your hardest.
Wrong.
There is a point at which effort can exceed efficiency. The old phrase “work smarter, not harder” comes to mind, as I truly believe there is a distinct cutoff point at which trying too hard is simply a very bad thing. This can be witnessed in such endeavors as: making friends, maintaining friends, finding a mate, mating, being funny, being annoying, being a bitch, polishing an appearance, polishing a turd, and sports.
Sports are often thought of as the one thing where you always must try your hardest. Push your hardest. Never give up.
Well, sometimes that is wrong. Sometimes it comes down to a very simple qaundary: “Do I want to win this race, or do I want to shit my pants?” Sometimes you can’t have just one – sometimes they come in a package deal. This is not a sweet package deal, like getting a free razor with a new lawnmower or finding a small bottle of Malibu attached to your pricey new bottle of bourbon. No. This is a package deal where the secondary completely invalidates the primary. I can enjoy my new lawnmower even if I don’t shave. I can enjoy my bourbon even if I don’t like disgusting sugary rum. I cannot enjoy winning a race if I must shit my pants to win it. I promise. I don’t care if it’s the fucking Olympics.
I leave you all with a quote:
“It’s not doing the things we like to do, but liking the things we have to do that makes life grand.”
I don’t know who said that, and it may or may not be related. I leave you with a picture.
Filed under: burger meat
One day in and I have received my first comment.
It is related to farts.
I can only assume that this is pure, unbound proof that I am now an official part of the internet community.
Filed under: burger meat
time to blog. time to write random shit at random times throughout the day to anyone and no one in particular.
have to see how this develops…
with time and distance, i might even be able to conjure up some funny IMAGE PICTURE devices to place on this here situation. i’ve got several.
i will also, eventually, place written things on here. things that were written previously as well as things not written previously, which is to say they will be born here in the moist, sterile environ of the intertubes as a product of my dry, unwashed fingertips.
Hurlfraggleboot 